Reflective Listening and Communication

Learning Objective:

Learn about giving and receiving empathy through reflective listening

Preparation:

Think about the participants in your group and choose one that will be open to serving as an example for the start of this lesson.

Part 1: Opening Ice Breaker

10 Minutes

Activity: One Word Story

1. Have the participants stand in a circle.
2. Tell the participants: “We’re going to play a game, it’s called ‘One Word Story.’ I’m going to give you the topic for a story, and we’re all going to tell the story, one word at a time. The topic for the story is ‘___’” (you can also ask the participants to pick a topic).
3. Choose a participant in the circle to begin the story with one word, and follow clockwise with each participant giving one word.

Tips:

• After each sentence ends, encourage the next sentence to begin.
• Encourage the participants to give their word as fast as possible.
• Tell the participants: “Remember, no word is unimportant; ‘a,’ ‘the,’ and ‘and’ are really important to making the story work!”
• Tell the participants that they can’t make a mistake because this story has never been told before.
• Tell the participants to change the inflection (change the sound of their voice) to indicate when the sentence ends.

If time allows, start a second story.

Have the participants return to their chairs in a circle.

When the stories are finished, ask the participants:

• What was it like to listen carefully?
• What was difficult about this game?
• What made the story telling easy?

Part 2: Main Lesson

30 Minutes

Part 2a: Introduction

“Have you ever talked to someone—a friend, a parent, a sibling—about something serious and you felt like they just weren’t listening? Or that they only heard part of what you said, and didn’t really get the point? How did that make you feel? Has someone ever been talking to you, but you were distracted, thinking about something else, or looking at your phone, and then had no idea what the other person said? Today we’re going to learn about reflective listening and other communication skills. These are secret techniques for really getting to know people, to understand them. It’s a special technique that I use as a facilitator every time I get to spend time with you.”

Part 2b: Reflective Listening

Ask a participant to serve as an example. Position two chairs in the center of the circle, you and the participant will sit in the chairs facing each other.

Ask the participant to share something meaningful that happened to them this week. After 2-3 sentences, repeat back what the participant said, paraphrasing their words. Continue with this until their story is complete.

Ask the participant:

“How did it feel to have someone repeat back what you said?”

Tell the participants:

“I used two listening techniques when ___ was telling their story. I used reflective listening by repeating back what was said, and paraphrasing, when I combined what ___ said with my own words. Using paraphrasing and reflective listening really helps someone to feel that they have been heard.

Reflective listening is: Reacting to what is said, asking clarifying questions, being curious. If you drift away, all hope is not lost, you can ask someone to repeat what they said. Interruptions happen too, and that’s okay.

Paraphrasing means: Repeating back what was said in your own words, and then checking with the other person for accuracy. This builds trust.

Clarifying questions are: When we’re unsure about someone’s meaning, asking additional questions helps prevent misunderstandings.

I-Statements: Help us express our feelings without blaming or accusing others. Instead of saying ‘you always ignore me,’ which might make someone defensive, we can say ‘I feel hurt when my ideas aren’t acknowledged.’”

Format for I-Statements:

“I feel ______ (feeling word) when ______ (situation) because ______ (why it affects you).”

“I would like ______ (what you want to happen).”

“Now let’s look at non-verbal communication, the messages we send without using words. A large percentage of our communication is non-verbal.

Non-verbal communication is:

• Body language; posture, gestures, facial expressions
• Eye contact
• Personal space (respecting boundaries)
• Tone of voice (how you say something can be more important than what you say)

Now let’s try the same story as before, but I’ll be doing something different. Maybe you’ve seen this before?”

The facilitator should not pay attention to the participant, look around, roll eyes, fold arms, look at your phone, (make a joke of this).

Now ask the participant telling the story:

“How did that feel? Different, right?”

Tell the participants to split into pairs and to set up their chairs facing each other. They can spread out in the room if they choose. Each pair of participants will choose which one of them is the storyteller and which one is the reflective listener (ask one participant in each pair to raise their hand and then announce that this participant will be going first). The storyteller will have two minutes to tell a story about something meaningful that happened to them in the previous week, while the reflective listener practices paraphrasing and reflective listening. The participants should share a real story about something that happened to them this week, not something made up.

1. After two minutes, have the participants switch so that the storyteller is now the listener, and the listener is now the storyteller.
2. After another two minutes, have the participants return to the circle. Starting clockwise with a volunteer, ask each participant to paraphrase the story that their partner told them. Tell the participants, “It’s okay if you get the paraphrasing wrong, asking for restating helps to build understanding and trust.” After each paraphrased story is told, ask the partner if their story was told correctly.
3. If yes, affirm the participant
4. If no, ask the partner to correct the story, asking the storyteller if they understand what they didn’t hear. Affirm the participants.
5. Ask participants to share what they learned from this lesson. How did it feel to have someone listen and repeat back what they said?

Part 3: Closing Practice

Practice reflective listening with a friend or family member this week. Notice how the other person responds. Notice how you feel after.